6th of May, 2025
My name is Madison*. I am twenty-one years old. I want to tell my story, to be a voice for all survivors of abuse.
I was a preschooler when my stepfather entered my life and almost immediately the abuse began. I didn’t understand what was happening. I had no words for it, no way to make sense of how he treated me. I thought it was normal for a stepfather to show his love this way. He gave me attention, he made me feel special. I can see now that he was grooming me and manipulating me into silence, so I wouldn’t say a word.
He would often sleep in my room, or we would sleep in the lounge, on the couch. I would be alone with him almost all the time. We had a very close relationship.
I grew into an angry and confused child, often defiant and lashing out. I was labelled a ‘problem’ and sent to numerous counsellors and psychologists. I felt tired and exhausted all of the time. I struggled to stay focused; I had no interest in school and as I grew older, I became increasingly withdrawn. Professionals tried to figure out what was ‘wrong’ with me, but no one ever asked me about my stepfather. No one saw what was really going on, hidden in plain sight. Ironically, my stepfather made himself out as a victim, and I, the child in all of this, was treated like I was causing the problems. Plans were put in place to protect him from me! Yet, for over ten years, he continued to violate me. He stole my childhood.
In high school, my friend group widened. When I went to their homes, I realised how very different their family dynamic was from the one I’d grown up in. I tried to forget everything, to block out what my stepfather did to me as I realised it wasn’t a normal relationship at all. I spent less time with him and avoided being alone with him. I felt I couldn’t tell my mother or anyone else as it would ruin my family. I felt afraid and guilty. Eventually, it was guilt that led to my disclosure. I was seventeen.
The day I spoke out, I lost everything. I lost my mother, and I lost my family. My older sister was the only one who believed me and has supported me throughout. For that, she too has been cut off from the family. My Mum chose to believe my stepfather, she still does. Because of that, I have no mother to call when I don’t know how to cook something; when I don’t know how to do something around the house, or when I just need advice. There’s no mother to hug me when I’m struggling. No mother to share in the biggest moments of my life.
When I realised my mother thought I was making it all up for attention, I knew I needed to speak to the police. I had an interview and charges were made. My stepfather was arrested. The court process took several years. It was a terrifying and exhausting experience. My entire world revolved around survival. I almost let what he did to me take my life. I have spent years in therapy, trying to untangle the shame, the guilt, and the self-blame he left inside me. And for so long I felt bad for him, like I was ruining his life. But the truth is he ruined mine! He had the responsibility to protect me, and instead, he destroyed me. I live in fear. Fear of men. Fear of being alone. Fear of trusting anyone. I have PTSD as a result of trauma. I have panic attacks. Nightmares. Flashbacks. I don’t know what it feels like to live free from the damage he caused.
I sat in court and heard him plead not guilty to all 22 charges. It was devastating. The trial took a long time but the outcome was “guilty on 21 charges”. Finally, I was believed! He was convicted and sentenced to 15 years in prison.
His choices changed the trajectory of my life, and I know that as I grow, I will continue to uncover the many ways this has affected me. I will spend my life learning just how deep that damage goes.
I had hoped he would change his plea. Take responsibility. Face what he has done and get the help he needs so that no one else will ever suffer at his hands, as I have.
And maybe, just maybe then, I can begin to heal. Maybe I can have my mother back. I can rebuild something from the ruins he left behind.
But whatever he does, I know this: He didn’t break me! He tried. He took everything from me. But I am still here. And I will spend every single day fighting for that freedom. And that is something he can never take away from me. What happened is not my shame to carry, it rests squarely with him. Not me.
If you or someone you care about needs support as a result of sexual abuse, contact Aviva on our free 24/7 support line, call 0800 28 48 26. If there is immediate danger, please call 111.
*Names and some details have been changed for privacy and safety.