Looking Forward to a Brighter Future

17th of August, 2015

‘You can’t guarantee that if you do nothing, things still won’t get worse’. Melanie* found that out the hard way.

She had been married to Brian* for 14 years Melanie called the Police, and Brian left the property. Yet even after he’d left, he’d break back into the house to take items to sell. “I finally called the Police and decided to make a statement, which I hadn’t done before; then it all changed. I got a lawyer, a Protection Order**; Occupancy, Furniture and Parenting Orders. It was the best thing I ever did; when I got those things in place, it got a lot better. Things suddenly got real and serious for him and he got a clear and repeated message from the Police, the courts and lawyers., but in the last two years, Brian’s behaviour had gotten out of control. Her husband had become emotionally and psychologically abusive, treated the family home as a ‘hotel’ and spent money on what he enjoyed – motor bikes, dirt bikes and tools that he never used - whilst the family did without. “Then Brian abandoned his job. He threatened to burn the house down, and to kill me and our son – the relationship was toxic, but I was just trying not to make it worse. I felt so isolated and scared. I didn’t know where to go, how to manage it. But when he started to talk like this in front of Carl*, our six-year old – that tipped me over the edge.” Melanie finally decided that she couldn’t live that way anymore; more to the point, she wouldn’t let their son live that way.

“And because we were classed by Police as high risk, they put me in touch with Carol (Aviva’s Shine safe@home Co-ordinator). Brian had kicked and punched holes in the doors and walls and windows, and the house was physically unsafe and unsecure; he could come and go as he pleased.” As part of the Shine safe@home security assessment Carol gave Melanie a personal alarm; installed locks on the doors and windows; and got the fire service to install smoke alarms. Carol also created a safe room in the house, so that if Brian did manage to break in again, Melanie and her son would be safe long enough for Police to arrive. “It was the first night in a long time I slept” says Melanie.

Melanie then undertook Aviva’s 10-week women’s education programme. “You feel stupid and wonder, ‘how did I get here?’ Friends say ’why don’t you just leave?’ – as if it’s that easy. You’re so invested in your life, and things had just built up over time; and I wanted a dad for my son. But the programme gave me lots of clarity” she says. “It (the cycle of tension building/incident/reconciliation/calm) was just the way they described it. There is power and knowledge from sharing too, and you see things in a different light. When you are open to it, you get everything you need. That education and knowledge has helped me to make informed decisions and to stay strong.”

For Melanie, “one of the hardest things was the judge’s comment that my son had been so affected – that was very hard to see in black and white; it was a bit of a wake-up call.” In the last 12 months Carl has done Aviva’s Tamariki programme and has a male mentor through his school. Melanie says the change is dramatic. “He couldn’t believe the arguments and angry outbursts weren’t his fault” she says, “but to have someone else say that, then he could start to believe it. He is also more open now; he says ‘I love you’ and he can just be a little boy. I look back and see that his bad behaviour was really just the symptom of a very unhappy boy. Now I am doing everything I can to ensure he has access to as many resources as I can so that he doesn’t become an angry young man.”

“It has been bloody hard, but I see a future for myself now. I’d say to other women who are going through what I went through, reach out with both hands and grab the support that is out there. I won’t be dragged down now. I can see a better life for me and my son.”

* Not their real names.

** In many instances, leaving the relationship, and/or the issuing of a Protection Order, can be the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship. This is why many people experiencing violence are reluctant to take this step.

From September 2012 until the end of June 2015, Aviva’s Shine safe@home service has made 490 children and 362 adults experiencing family violence safer in their own homes.

 Image courtesy of Pixabay.