'It Is Easier To Build Strong Children Than To Repair Broken Men...'

22nd of March, 2016

Debbie-Lee and her partner Shane know the truth of every bit of that saying.

When Debbie-Lee met Shane two and a half years ago, he was “a broken 30-year-old child.” Having been in and out of care from three-months old until 15, emotionally he was “like a seven-year old” she says. The next 15 years saw Shane constantly in and out of prison, becoming involved with White Power and solving arguments with his fists. He was on medication for depression and mood disorders; perhaps not the best track record for a prospective partner or parent.

Although Shane wasn’t violent towards Debbie-Lee, there was emotional abuse – he was overly-concerned about who she was seeing, would sulk and withdraw when things didn’t go his way, and he tried to manipulate her into doing what he wanted. But it was his violence that brought both Shane and Debbie-Lee to Aviva.

Eighteen months ago, having gone off his medication, Shane’s aggression and paranoia took over. When Debbie-Lee’s ex-partner came to collect their 10-year-old daughter, an altercation ended with Shane lunging at him with a knife. The Police were called, but worse was to come – that incident led Child Youth and Family (CYF) to decide to uplift the baby that Debbie-Lee and Shane were soon to have, and Shane’s anger and frustration at that unexpected decision would see him sent to jail for several months.

Mark, one of Aviva’s Family Support Workers with the men’s ReachOut service, became involved and contacted Shane to offer support. When Shane got out of jail, he wanted things to be different. For the first time, Shane had lost something valuable on the outside, something he wanted to get back. He was determined to be there and be more of a dad than he’d had growing up, and he was willing to learn how to do that.

The last 18 months have been about change for Shane, and it hasn’t been easy. “Mark likes to push Shane’s buttons; a lot of people would be too scared to do that, but Shane listens to Mark” says Debbie-Lee. “With him, Shane’s learned new strategies to deal with anger. He’s learned to take a break when he’s angry, or just walk away from conflict. Three years ago he would have been in the midst of any fight.”

Mark also introduced Shane to the Men’s Shed. “That’s been massive for him. Now he’s able to work with other guys, including making friends with guys from other ethnicities and cultures. He is much more sociable and brave. The change in him in the last year is phenomenal.”

Mark suggested that Debbie-Lee get some support too, to ensure she was safe whilst Shane worked on changing himself and dealing with his anger, and she became engaged with Family Support Worker Kylie. “Mark and Kylie have supplied us with good words, and support. Now, we just touch base fortnightly or so - they are there to bounce things off.”

Ensuring their relationship and home was a safe one was not only important for Debbie-Lee and Shane – it was vital if their son was to return home. Their hard work paid off. “Kylie and Mark came to every CYF Family Group Conference with us, and the support letters they wrote about the positive changes in our home really made all the difference. They were people who were in our lives every day, seeing us with our son. They had been two extra pairs of eyes on him, which really helped. Shane had hated CYF because of his experiences as a child, but with Mark’s help he learned he had to work with them to get our son back home full-time. He’s been home five months now and in February, CYF saw that they didn’t need to look out for him anymore.

“The silver lining of having our son taken away was that we both did a lot of work on ourselves. Now Shane is a whole new person. His attitude has changed and his mind has opened. He is so proud of his son, it is bursting out of his pores.”

ReachOut is Aviva’s early intervention support service for men who have used family violence. Initially developed in 2012, ReachOut uses Police reports of family violence to proactively contact men, and it is also open to self-referrals. Aviva currently employs three Family Support Workers to deliver the ReachOut service in Christchurch and North Canterbury, and support is delivered one-on-one, at no charge. In the last financial year, your support, and that of New Zealand Red Cross and the Ministry of Social Development, helped ReachOut to support 168 men like Shane towards safer futures. 

Title quote from Frederick Douglas.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.