Relationship Check

Physical violence is easy to recognise; this check is aimed at recognising emotional and psychological abuse.

Relationship Check:

To take this test answer the questions with "Often" "Sometimes", or "Never"

These questions are about the behaviour and attitude of the other person.


Do they:

  • Stop you seeing friends? Get angry when you talk on the phone?
  • Start an argument when you want to go out?
  • Read your mail, email or text messages?
  • Want to know everywhere you have been?
  • Follow you when you go out?
  • Make it difficult for you to keep in touch with your whÄ�nau/family?
  • Check up on you at work/school/shops?

Jealously and Possessiveness

Do they:

  • Get upset/angry when you talk to other people?
  • Tell you that being jealous shows that they love you?
  • Control what you wear/ your make up/ hairstyle/ etc?
  • Blame you because you made them jealous?
  • Keep asking you about your past partners then get angry?
  • Call you names when you talk to other men or women?

Humiliation and Mind Games

Do they:

  • Call you names?
  • Comment on your looks all the time?
  • Tell you what you've done "wrong" all the time?
  • Ignore you and give you the silent treatment?
  • Make you do things that make you feel whakamÄ� / embarrassed/ ashamed?
  • Say that you are porangi/ crazy/ mad/ stupid?
  • Tell you that you are a bad mother or a nagging partner?
  • Criticise what you say or do?

Using Threats and Fear

Do they:

  • Threaten that you won't see the children again?
  • Threaten to report you to WINZ/ CYFS/ Police?
  • Threaten to tell your secrets
  • Say they'll kill themselves or the kids if you leave?
  • Get angry and flare up about small things?
  • Give you the "look" to tell you to shut up or watch out?
  • Threaten to destroy something that is dear to you?
  • Threaten to hurt you, your whÄ�nau/family, or your pets?
  • Drive fast or do things to scare you?
  • Make you afraid when they drink or do drugs?
  • Threaten you with physical violence?

Controlling the Home

Do they:

  • Demand that you have dinner ready when they get home?
  • Insist that the housework is done a certain way?
  • Make all the decisions for the family?
  • Demand sex when it's not what you want?
  • Tell you it's your place to obey?
  • Tell you it's their right to have control?
  • Make you account for every cent you spend?
  • Expect you to take care of the contraception?
  • Refuse to help look after the children?
  • Decide what roles and duties you will have in the relationship?

Denials, Justification, and Sweet Talk

Do they:

  • Hurt you (physically, emotionally, or psychological) and then apologise?
  • Give you a gift after there's been an 'incident'?
  • Keep promising it will never happen again?
  • Beg you not to tell anyone else?
  • Insist that they love you despite what they are doing to you?
  • Tell you that it was because they had a bad day/ they lost at sport/ the house wasn't tidy etc?
  • Promise to change but never do?
  • Say it's because they had a bad childhood?
  • Keep promising to attend a Stopping Violence or Anger Management programme?

These questions are about your feelings and behaviours.

Your Feelings

Do you feel:

  • Like you're walking on eggshells? Tired and stressed from working hard to keep your partner happy?
  • Sick with worry that you might have done something wrong?
  • Unhappy a lot of the time?
  • Like you're going crazy because you never know what to expect?
  • Afraid for yours or your childrens life?
  • Worried because you can't plan for the future?
  • Worried about the effect your partner is having on the children?
  • Like you want to hurt them or yourself?
  • Full of anger/ sadness?
  • Scared to say what you think?
  • Like you have no freedom or control over your own life?
  • Are your children telling you that they are scared?
  • Are your friends/whÄ�nau telling you that they've had enough?
  • Have people stopped coming to your house?
  • Are your children or others telling you that you should leave?

If you've answered mostly "never" then you can celebrate because you probably have a healthy equal relationship.

If you've answered with a mix of "never" and "sometimes" there may be some warning signs. Violence can be subtle at first, and escalate within a relationship without you really noticing. You could set clear boundaries about what you're not going to put up with and stick to those boundaries in the future. You can contact Aviva if you would like advice or to discuss your situation.

If you've anwered "sometimes" and "often" it's highly likely that there is a pattern of power and control in your relationship. You can read in the Resources about Safety Plans or contact Aviva.

If you've answered mostly with "often" you and your children could be at risk of serious harm. If you are in immediate danger dial 111. If you would like support from Aviva please call us on 0800 AVIVA NOW (0800 28482 669)